[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
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Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
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I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I used to be married, but I’m better now