[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
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I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?