Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!

Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down

When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

getting old is fun

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.