*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
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My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?