*in court
😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!
😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!
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– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Chicken bread
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths