Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

6: you’re going 75

Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit

6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!

Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

Weighing up my bread heating options

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

HIP-STAR WARS:

Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.