Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out

[poorly lit restaurant]

me: I can’t see the menu

wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles

me: no I want food

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”

Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please