[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
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I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
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CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
That stupid look on my face, is my face
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.