[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
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“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Ironic
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park