Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?

ME: I did. It was good.

JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.

ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.

ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like