Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂