[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
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Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me