Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.