Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

i wonder why they stopped looking

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

me: my new book is fantastic

friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?

me: you can’t color it in twice

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

I’m Sold!

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*