*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
“Wait, let me explain..”
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
<—- homeless romantic
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
