[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
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Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
sometimes i miss this memes
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”