Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.