Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

And then Satan said “water down the gravy”

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Daughters official statement about the event once she got home: “This could have been really fun, if *insert teachers last name* wasn’t scared of freakin birds and cried like a little girl about catching the bird flu. Like, hello, Covid exists. Nobody cares about the bird flu.”

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

my retirement plan is braless

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately

chief: anything we can do?

detective: sure, lock homes

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.