[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
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My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
“TGIM!” – My liver
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe