Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

Become ungovernable.

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.

Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.