Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.

Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…

*I run to check on the donuts

*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

The new American dream is an alien invasion.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.