Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

Trying

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate