Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1252270477923532800/pu/vid/576x1144/T6Fnim8dXZKWz_Ra.mp4?tag=10

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

Good morning ☺️

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea