[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
You Might Also Like
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.