[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
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A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.