Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.

Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.