Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

*kicking in your front door*

I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.