Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

what

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

j o i m p

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head

I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time to send me my weekly allowance for cheese

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency