in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
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Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
Perfect
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Facebook marketplace is a different world
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.