If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
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Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Dietest Coke
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Life with a cat in one tweet
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Bringing home a sharpie
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I hope Alan is OK
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe