In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
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Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.