In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
You Might Also Like
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I was bored.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Breaking news:
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
a McRib killed my tapeworm
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this