In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
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Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.