Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.

When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.

That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.

KFC hitting the cannibal market

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

when mom throws a party…

I wish this was real life…

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here