Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.