[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
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[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
i’m sure it’s fine
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
some of you aren’t reading the room. not even listening to the room on audiobook
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full