[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
You Might Also Like
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?