Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!