In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
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Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
ed has no gf cuz sheran away