In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
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my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind