Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

This forever.

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.