Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

weddings should have a worst man

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

all that yoga finally paid off

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.