Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time