Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

Perfect

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.