Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

Trumpy Cat

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”

They haven’t.

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

Posting this on behalf of a friend

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*