In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
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Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”