In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
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WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Just grow your own
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
how do i lose 30 pounds without cutting out baja blast, coffee creamer, and my ritual of eating 400 calories worth of candy at 11pm???
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
it was a valiant fight
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.