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To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
No. He’s not coming out to play
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Never let them know your next move 😂
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.