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I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.