“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
You Might Also Like
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I caught my employee sleeping on my office couch today. I didn’t know if I should fire him, or tell him what I did on it last night.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Parent 1: That’s my kid on the slide.
Parent 2: That’s mine on the swing.
Me: The one spray painting “Slayer” on that baby is mine.