@BrierBrisk

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

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@OctopusCaveman

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

@Social_Mime

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

@Smug_Lemur

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

@GingerAtLaw

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

@AngryRaccoon2

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

@tastefactory

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

@Dadsbustednuts

I caught my employee sleeping on my office couch today. I didn’t know if I should fire him, or tell him what I did on it last night.

@writerPT

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

@drinksmcgee

[Park]

Parent 1: That’s my kid on the slide.
Parent 2: That’s mine on the swing.
Me: The one spray painting “Slayer” on that baby is mine.