[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
You Might Also Like
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Truth
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
It’s an epidemic…
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
*gets down on one knee*
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.