[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
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“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
we’re dead?
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission