Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.

ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate

COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly

ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

[Arriving at party]

Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?

Me: I was told “infancy dress”.

Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!

Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills

Me buying fruit and veg

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

*about to die*

Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!

*life flashes before my eyes*

Me: Oh, right.

Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again

Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again

I put the h in mysterious.