Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

I’m going to need a moment here.

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

COP: Quick, stun him!

ME: *performs perfect somersault*

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

never stops being funny

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!

F2: no water

F3: no chemicals

Me: Your hair is filthy.