Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?

DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow

ME: Can I shake hands with people?

DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them

ME: …

DOCTOR: …

ME: …

DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one

This is I, Robot all over again

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle

spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more