Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.

We have to move now.

My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

Thursday

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich