Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

Not today, today.
Not today.

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

Me: You should take a bath

Kid: You can’t make me!

Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens

Me: You can’t make me!

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

#math