In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
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So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Care for your back
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
7 year old: Cruella DeVille is a bad person
Me: judging by your dusty ass coat I can see why you would think that
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.