In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
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Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.