In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
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Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Twitter is an abusement park.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
me 2 months after i graduated
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.