In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
You Might Also Like
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair