In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
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kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again