In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
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Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I am yelling
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.