I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
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You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool