In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Europe. Made in Germany.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
don’t be scared
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
