In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
