Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

Thoughts

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.

I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]

OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

next question.

My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.

In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.