In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
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just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you