In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
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When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.