Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table

no such thing as a dumb question

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.