In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
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When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar MeyerAll of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.