In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
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This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.