Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

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When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”

*Every other site goes down*

“Guess who’s back…back again.”

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

lmao

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

The most accurate map ever devised.