In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
A new level of troll.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
It’s the weekend y’all
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
Golf would be better with landmines.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
